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Competition Jokes
A man goes to the zoo. He pays for his ticket and begins to wander around, looking for the animals. He walks past the lions cage, its empty. Walks over to the monkeys, that's empty too. He heads towards the zebras, nothing. There are no penguins, no hippos, no rhinos. The bird cages are all empty and the petting zoo is deserted. Finally just when he is about to leave he spots a cage he hasn't looked in. Walking over, he sees it has an animal, a small dog, all by itself. "Huh", he mutters, "its a Shih Tzu". --------------------------------------- John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!" --------------------------------------- There was
this couple that had been married for 20 years. ---------------------------------------
A man was standing next in
line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him
turned around and gave him a big smile. The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children !? " Then he began to worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sha**ed on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number." The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher." ---------------------------------------
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name? After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from New Zealand, says My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given." The third one from Australia says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer." The Australian got the job. --------------------------------------- Jokes…….or just observations
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman? Why
do women have smaller feet than men? How
do you know when a woman is about to say something
smart? How
do you fix a woman's watch?
Why do men fart more than women?
What's worse than a Male
Chauvinist Pig? I
married a Miss Right.
Scientists have discovered
a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. Why
do men die before their wives? Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer
Old Age and Cunning will triumph over Youth and Enthusiasm every time.
An old
farmer in
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look things over, as he hadn’t been down for a good while. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to collect some fruit from the trees. As he neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he got closer he saw it was a bunch of teenage girls skinny dipping in his pond. He made the girls aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the girls called out: “We’re not getting out until you leave!” The old man frowned and said: “I didn’t come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding up the bucket, he said: “I’m just here to feed the alligator.”
For Men Only
Words Women Use: Fine This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2. Five Minutes If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3. Nothing This is the calm before the storm. This means ‘something’ and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ‘nothing’ usually end up in ‘fine’. 4. Go Ahead
This is a dare, not
permission.
5. Loud Sigh Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A ‘loud sigh’ means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over ‘nothing’. 6. That’s OK. This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.. ‘That’s OK’ means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7. Thanks. This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say ’You’re welcome’ and back out of the room slowly.
For Women How can you tell if a man is lying? His lips are moving.
He said….’What have you been doing with all the house keeping money I gave you?’ She said…’Turn sideways and look in the mirror.’
Why do men prefer to drive a BMW? Because they can spell it.
Women at 40 are in their prime. Unfortunately men at 40 are too stupid to realise this.
What is the difference between men and premium bonds? The bonds mature.
Man asks God: ‘Why did you make women so beautiful?’ God responds: ‘So you would love them.’ Man, confused: ‘But why did you make them so stupid?’ God answers: ‘So they would love you.’
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You can buy on line at:
COMPETITION Send us your best joke and you could win 2 x 15kg of Eagle Pack dog food, the competition runs to June 07 mail to: jokes@postalpetsproducts.co.uk
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